So in this video I would just like to welcome back Karen once again.
And we're going to have what I hope you can find to be quite an interesting discussion.
This is just a conversation and it's one that I would always halve in the early stages of our coaching
relationship and it's just a conversation as no script here.
This is us no just going on a bit of a fact finding mission.
So the attitude that I'll be taking towards Karen is one of intrigue.
I'm going to be sticking on my Sherlock Holmes hat once again and I'm going to be quizzing Curran on
relatively compassionately about her past.
So we've looked at Khan's past up until now and we've explored her past or present where she sees her
future and we know that we can use exercises such as that for getting quick and quite loose shifts and
perspective.
But the purpose of this conversation is actually about helping current to grow in self awareness and
better understand her past with me.
So it might seem the same but it's actually just a minor distinction here.
But I actually will make a far far greater impact than just understanding her past present and our future.
There's a principle that I learned back in the time when I was serving in the army.
I was part of this part of recce team and rescue teams were generally on exercise or if we were working
overseas somewhere they would go fast.
All right so a rescue team would always take new territory take new ground go where no man or woman
had gone before to evaluate the terrain to evaluate and assess any potential threat if there was enemy.
The principle was especially in war to know thine enemy.
When we do not know the enemy we've got no idea what we're actually coming up against.
What we're working against in exactly the same way.
Well we do not understand our pasts and how our pasts are influencing our presence.
We're never going to fully appreciate the misinterpretations that we've made of our past life events
and how they are holding us back.
So what I'm going to suggest is that we all have an enemy in life and sometimes of our worst enemy is
actually our selves as we sometimes sabotage our best intentions.
Granted we can have all of their most grandiose and fantastic goals in life but if we don't understand
how the enemy within sabotages these goals and why the enemy within subtype sabotages these goals and
where the enemy within.
Learned to start sabotaging these goals were never going to be free from the enemy within.
This is just simply part of the process of growing and self awareness to the enemy within Curran The
Enemy Within.
So having heard all about this all right.
Is there some sort of part owner or behavior that you can just see has kind of been a thorn in your
side for pretty much anything up to a lifetime a behavior or a habit or an attitude something that just
consistently sabotages your best intentions.
Yeah definitely.
I think I touched on that the other day where I tend to withdraw from from people and from picking myself
forward for new challenges and withdrawing as a habit withdrawing for you as a habit.
Yes it's quite ironic.
I mean just as I as a husband and wife tank team good on here where Karen had learned to withdraw or
ice I learned from a very very young age to always put myself forward.
All right what I was desperately trying to fit in and be included I would do so by getting in people's
faces and put myself over there.
Karen you are withdrawing and holding back for what purpose for fear of picking myself out there and
and fear of other people's perspective opinion group approval really.
So you were you were you wanted approval.
Yeah I wanted to wanted approval from other people.
And and I thought that the best way to to get that approval was by not offending not put myself out
there not being honest but by reserving who I actually was.
So you wanted approval.
Why is it you would say that you even needed approval what was it alleged to believe that he needed
approval or what led me to believe that I needed approval.
Where did you learn this.
Where did you learn that in life.
We actually need approval from other imperfect human beings I remember very well the fact that I spoke
about it previously about the experience of losing my dad when I was younger and I can remember withdrawing
in that situation and through really wanting to maintain my family's approval.
So I would withdraw.
I withdrew from the experience it was going on and not being actually losing my dad and
was riddled with fear that I couldn't be honest I couldn't be upset I couldn't be real.
And in the experience because I wanted to try and keep my family happy.
I wanted to have their approval and at what point in life before then.
Did you learn that that was something you needed to do.
Oh yeah there's there's another memory of a time before that where I remember I was really young and
I broke my arm and I can remember being so embarrassed about this.
This plaster cast that I had a mom and I wanted to hide it from at the time what was important to me
with my ballet class.
I remember being so embarrassed about this broken arm I really ashamed and that I was just different
from everyone else and that wasn't okay.
I needed it to be the same as other people could.
Who told you that it wasn't okay.
I don't remember anyone telling me that it wasn't okay.
I just I assumed that you just assumed.
Yes.
How did that work out for you in the years that followed it didn't work out at all.
Hiroko it's no I'm good dear dear enemy is interesting isn't it.
No this is just a conversation we could have gone all therapeutic and all that kind of thing on a year.
But the funny thing about memories is that we all have them.
It's not like we can't remember things that have happened to us in the past.
We just sometimes need to know the direction in which to look.
Sometimes people get and fearful when apprehensive and scared of stepping out and doing the things that
they really want to do in the future.
But it's only because we've been at some point in the past we've learned to be apprehensive or fearful
of those things.
So if we want to become more effective in the future we've got to learn to overcome and sever the things
are holding us back from the past yes.
Yeah.
So what would you say.
What would you say is is holding you back.
Today yeah.
What is what has held you back up until now.
It's held me back.
This is this fear need which I'm getting much better at managing but at times it still crops up to perform
for other people or to meet other people's expectations.
So just to get clear here just to get clear pause what was actually held you back from doing the things
that you really want to do with your life has just been a feeling yeah.
My own thoughts and feelings.
A feeling.
So has anything actually held you back.
No.
Nothing's happening.
No.
The feelings are feelings like tangible real things are these come and go.
They're just coming.
So what was actually held you back.
And in actuality in reality my feelings hurt me back heavily.
I actually held you back.
They haven't held me back.
I've allowed my feelings to to hold me back so nothing has actually nothing tangible has actually held
me back.
No.
All right cool to see you holding back all right.
How would you define that person.
Are you the final person who's not pursuing the things that you want to do in life.
Scared timid
these days.
No I would I would look down on that person he'd look down on the person.
Dishonest or dishonest.
That's interesting.
Why would you say that because holding back at times for me it means holding holding back.
Truth and honesty in my relationships.
Being honest with other people if you hold them back being honest and being truthful with people.
Does that mean then that your you've been valuable for people or you're not being valuable for people
or I mean I'm not being liable for people not offering them anything.
What does he actually want what I actually want is to be a value to people to be to make a difference
for them and how are you being that person today
today
today.
I'm getting much better at being honest with people and I'm not holding back about taking risks and
and where I see I can be honest and I'm offering my experience or the lessons that I've learned from
the past in order to to share with them.
It seems though there's still something holding you both for
at times.
Oh yeah.
Times
out repeat of the past and hold back.
You repeat the hub of your past.
Yeah.
Who was it.
What was he would say then.
So habits are generally kind of like a touch to learn things you know things we've learned about ourselves.
I mean if we learn that we're really good at something.
Of course we're going to do it loads if we've learned or we're not good at something or most likely
hold back from doing that.
So what is it that you've you've learned about yourself at some point in the past this perhaps triggered
this chain reaction if you hold within yourself by was here was your enemy the greatest enemy we can
sometimes have is the stories that we tell ourselves or the lessons that we think we've learned sometimes
we can believe things that aren't true are true.
No.
Sure.
Well we'll look and see
he is articulate as he can.
Yeah.
I think like I'm not sure this actually answers the question but there is a I feel like when I'm operating
in that way.
And and would you mean militarily and what I choose to hold back repeat patterns of the past rather
than be honest and be myself and I'm governed by this fear of wanting to get it right for people when
wanting their approval rather than just being myself and just being completely honest wanting to get
it right.
Wanting to get it right for people.
Yet I was at you you'll get it over people
or is it people or is it people were people were are saying this is right.
Well actually what people actually would say is right is me being myself and being honest.
Who would to that's what.
Who specifically would say that
I don't know.
Yeah I don't.
Bingo.
Right we'll stop there.
I'm not sure if you're aware of what I was doing there or I was pretty much doing was I was just responding
to pretty much every thing that Karen said right.
Every assumption I heard came out Karen's mouth and every every thought every feeling and I started
off quite suddenly all right.
And then as the conversation evolved I just got a little bit harder a little bit harder a little bit
more focus a little bit more focused and for it to you've just experienced and Curran is what we'd refer
to in Scotland as a quibble.
All right.
Her car has just done.
Karen has just completely that she's no place questioning her old way of looking at things.
All right so what Karen has possibly come to recognize.
No.
In fact the US current Karen how valid would you say are your assumptions opinions your outlook on life.
Most of the time completely invalid completely inaccurate completely and if you down the garden path
completely alleged any and the garden path saw em.
How much would you be willing to trust your perception moving forward because it seems to me that up
until now you've relied heavily on your perception the assumptions that you've made the thoughts that
you've thought your beliefs or this kind of stuff.
How much would you be really willing to trust those things moving forward if you are in fact hoping
to be more effective in the future than what you've been in the past especially in the context of your
relationships.
No I wouldn't be willing to trust my perception so you would therefore then be open to considering some
new ideas.
Yeah absolutely.
Yeah.
On a level of 1 to 10 1 being not at all 10 being massively how much more aware are you know off yourself
through.
Just a fairly very light not a complex question but are you more aware of yourself or less aware of
yourself much more aware much more aware of yourself.
You know what I'm saying is that this is a really complex thing.
All this was was just a simple truth based discussion.
That's all it was not a technique not a process just a conversation.
I is the coach are coming from a place of intrigue.
My goal is to help Curran to grow and self awareness know and find well.
And the more that Curran can see about herself.
More than likely her desire to change and continue to grow is just gonna keep on growing right.
Which is just about me really continuing to nurture and invest into the early stages of the coaching
relationship that's going to helpfully hopefully help Karen and remain committed to the course.
All right so in the additional materials section of this lecture we've put together many exercise for
you.
There were no gonna invite you to work through on your own it's called How present is my past.
All right so this is gonna No involve you doing a little bit of self reflection on your own life and
just simply work through the questions to see if you can identify how it is.
So if your past perceptions assumptions beliefs you've developed in yester year are actually impacting
you and possibly even holding you back from doing the things that you really want to be doing more off
today.
This is just a self awareness exercise and it's also one that you'll work through.
I'm going to urge you to build this into your repertoire of life coach and resources moving forward
and at the earliest convenience.
Share this with other people you're going to be with.
You're going to be qualified to do this because you yourself have gone there fast.
You with me current.
How'd you find the discussion interesting is it's quite hard to say out loud.
You know that the biggest problem is a feeling that's holding me back as it is.
Sounds a little bit of a slap in the face.
So there's nothing nothing tangible nothing real holding you back just a feeling squished lives inside
of you so you're not the victim here.
I'm not the victim.
There's no perpetrators over there.
No.
Is there going to be a hero that's gonna come along and save you.
No.
So who is going to be your hero.
I will be my hero.
You will be.
You will be your hero.
Fantastic.
In the same way.
And you can go on to be your so download resource.
Give it a walk through 10 or 15 minutes.
I will look forward to seeing you again in the next clip.